I'm just trying to be happy

Have you ever struggled with your own emotions? Trying to take control of them but it seems like your emotions are the one controlling you now. Trying to smile to stop the pain and tears from falling down your cheeks. How about not wanting to wake up every morning because you just can't stand the pain you are going through?

I did. Every single day.

I don't know how I did it but it's just unbearable. I have been going through this pain for near 3 months already. Pre, during and post. I'm exhausted and all I feel right now is nothing but pain and heartbreak. I wonder how much more I can take before I fall and give up.

I'm tired of explaining what happened and why it happened. I'm tired of people assuming things about what happened. I'm tired of dealing with people trying to bring me down at this time. I'm tired of dealing with everything.

All I want to do right now is just disappear; literally disappear from this world, this pain.

One month passed, I really wonder if you are happy with what you have decided. Almost everyday you ask me if everything's okay. I'm not, you know I'm not. But I just tell you everything's okay because even if I told you otherwise, you wouldn't care. I really hate that this happened. I don't know what went wrong and what happened. I still am trying to figure out what really happened. I'm still wondering if there's hope in us. The way you check on me shows you still care. You may think it's just normal but no, it's not. I keep acting as if I hate you because it's easier than telling you I miss you. I miss everything we used to have.


I just can't do this anymore. The pain never lessen, it becomes more painful day by day. At any point, I would just give up. 


Just so you know, my feelings for you never changed a single bit.


♥ Jocelyn L.